The Legacy Of Love
By Bill Applegate
In November 2007, my wife, Jen, was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor, an anaplastic astrocytoma grade 3/4 to be exact. On August 27th 2009, she passed away. She was only 38 years old. She died at home. I was with her when she passed and she was comfortable and seemed at peace. 
Our daughters got to say goodbye to her – they were five and seven at the time of her passing. I am very fortunate to have an excellent support system of family and friends helping all of us.
The trials and tribulations of being a single parent bring about new challenges daily. I have always been close and actively involved with my daughters, but the thought of raising two girls alone terrified me at first. I have learned some very valuable life lessons over the past couple of years...but first, here is a brief look at our story...
The Start Of It All
In June 2007, Jen started noticing that her right eye was adjusting to changes in light a bit differently than her left eye. It was a very slight difference but still noticeable. She made an appointment with the optometrist and her eyes and vision checked out fine. They suggested that there could be something going on with the optic nerve behind the eye that they wouldn’t be able to detect during the exam, such as nerve sheath deterioration caused by Multiple Sclerosis. About a month later, she started noticing tiny involuntary muscle twitches in her hands and feet. She was convinced with 100% certainty that she had developed MS. She scheduled an appointment to see her general practitioner. During the exam, the doctor explained that she didn't think it was MS but thought that there might be something going on, so the doctor scheduled an MRI.
The Diagnosis
Weeks later, the doctor called with the results. The MRI revealed a mass on her optic nerve behind her right eye. The doctor also explained that there was a second small mass located deep in the center of Jen's brain. By the end of November 2007, my wife had endured what seemed like a never-ending series of exams, tests and a biopsy of the second mass. The doctors concluded that the mass behind her eye was probably a benign tumor. The other mass, however, was diagnosed as a rare variant of a malignant brain tumor, an anaplastic astrocytoma grade 3/4 with granular features.
The Treatments
Radiation and chemotherapy followed, which concluded in early February 2008. The initial MRI after the radiation showed that the tumor had shrunk a bit. Thereafter, she continued with six cycles of chemotherapy, which ended in August 2008. During that time, the periodic MRIs showed no tumor growth.
During her chemo treatments, she attempted to keep a regular work schedule. Other than occasional unnoticeable muscle twitches (which didn’t appear to be a result of the tumor), she continued to feel good and people always told her that she looked great – you would never known that she had a brain tumor. She never had any seizures – she was basically asymptomatic.
I took her for every appointment and supported her each step of the way. Our family, friends, and everyone at both of our jobs were a huge source of strength and encouragement – we were so fortunate to have so many wonderful people in our lives to help us through the entire situation.
The Decline
The battle with the tumor was tough. A course of treatment would work for a couple of months then the tumor would build up a resistance and stop working. We tried all sorts of treatments including participating in various clinical trials with hospitals in different parts of the country.
It was physically, mentally and emotionally draining on all of us. I tried to stay as upbeat as possible for the kid's sake but they are incredibly perceptive and could see their Mom getting worse. The girls started asking questions and I tried to be as honest as possible but I didn't want to scare them.
Difficult Conversations
I will never forget having to sit my two young daughters down and tell them that their Mom was not getting better. That she would not get out of the hospital bed that was now located on the first floor of our house and that she was indeed going to die. The counselor told me it was important to use the words "dying" so that it wouldn't confuse them, and tell them that it wouldn't happen for a while. Kids have a very different concept of time so by telling them it would happen later helped them understand and process it.
As difficult as it was to sit the girls down and talk to them, I drew my strength from Jen. She had the courage and the forethought to sit me down and talk to me. We talked, well she talked and I listened. We had conversations about after her passing, and what I would need to do – what I would need to do for the girls AND myself. It was a series of conversations that no happily married couple ever wants to have, period. It took me months to figure it out and see the benefits, but I now feel fortunate that we had the opportunity to have those difficult conversations. It has helped me process things while attempting to remain as positive as possible in our attempt to move forward.
Today
The girls and I are doing well or at least I like to think so. I talk about Jen regularly to them. I am determined to never let them forget who their Mother was. We talk about her because I want the kids to feel her presence and for them to know how much she loved all of us. Every time I look at my girls, I see a piece of her. We did go to family group support sessions and it was good for all of us. I try to listen more and let them (the girls) dictate how our conversations go and always answer their questions open and honestly.
Some Things I Have Learned
- Ask for Help (You Can NOT and Should NOT feel compelled to do everything yourself)
- You are NOT Superman and do NOT need to be Superman
- When people volunteer to help, take them up on it
- Realize that you are not going to know everything
- Trust your instincts
- Sometimes just being there for your kids is enough
- A hug and kiss to your kid(s) goes a long, long way
- Talk to your kids, you just may be amazed how incredible they are
- Be open and honest...kids are so much more resilient than we give them credit for
- Remain positive...at times it seems almost impossible, but it's important to stay positive for your kids sake
- Find a way to occupy your time in a positive manner...writing, reading, blogging, exercising, find something and stick with it
- Finally, know this...it's going to be okay. No matter how dark things seem, it is going to be okay!
We planted a tree for Mother's Day in 2006. Now that tree is a memorial for Jen. We placed some engraved rocks around the base. The symbolic meanings on the rocks mean a lot to the girls. The words on the big stone are from my oldest daughter.
Final Thoughts
Being a single parent is not an easy task. You will be the Dad, the chauffeur, the peacemaker, the band-aid applier, the storyteller, the "mean Dad" who makes them do homework and announces "bedtime" the list goes on and on. You will also be the person who is looked up to, the advice giver, the main and driving force and influence in their lives. Roll with it and embrace it. Realize that you don't have to know everything and take it one day at a time. As hard as it may seem at times, remain positive. Trust your instincts - I think you will be pleasantly surprised just how much your kids love you for who and what you are.
